Sunday, November 24, 2013

God Realization- Part 1



 


What is God Realization?

In the West, we do not use the term “God realization”, because to the western mind, this seems impossible.  How can any of us claim to be the God who created the heavens and the Earth?  But to those who have studied the religions of the East, such as Hinduism, Buddhism, Taoism, etc.,  God Realization is the logical realization of the one who realizes everything is One, God is everything, and that there is no separation between me and God.

So if we believe our relationship with God is not realized“out there”, in the heavens or the clouds or wherever, then God can be found WITHIN us.  And the realization of that is called God realization.  This is the principle of non-duality, which says that we are all connected, and God is experienced inside of us, in our consciousness.  Even in the West, there are forms of the 3 Western religions which are non-dual. In Christianity there is gnosticism and mystical Christianity, in Judaism there is the Kabbalah, and in Islam there is Sufism. These are “mystical” branches of the Western religions, and Mysticism is the experiencing of God within our consciousness.

The word GOD therefore is a very charged word in the West, and many folk are more comfortable with using words like Spirit, the Divine, divine consciousness, creator, Atman, the Universe, and even Divine love.  For the purposes of this article I will use the word “God”, which to me represents all these inclusive terms.

Why should we seek God Realization?

I believe that the realization of divinity within us greatly enhances our ability to be present in the moment. As we train our minds to not dwell in the past nor dream and wish for the future, then we are absolutely present for the person who stands in front of us, needing to be heard, needing help or counsel from us. We can recognize and feel the suffering of the World, and of others, and as we are  present, our compassion pours forth to the world and to those around us. Also, if we are present in this moment, then we know what we are feeling inside, and we know what we really want.

God realization also helps me to understand and escape my own suffering. I come to realize that if I am miserable, it is not because of anything “out there”, such as a job, or lack of worldly goods, or the rejection of a lover or spouse. It is my perception of my state of being that must change. Much of the suffering of the world is because we worry about things we cannot control, or we fear events coming to pass, or we regret things we have done, or we have anger or hatred against others, which causes us to hate ourselves. Our suffering is in our mind, and as we learn to let go of the constant barrage of thoughts then we can find peace and an end to our suffering. We then can learn the timeless lesson from St. John of the Cross, that our suffering can lead us to being initiated into God (realization).

We also begin to experience ourselves as infinite, as 
connected to all things and all things in union with us. 
This is not as spooky as it may seem.  
William Blake said: 
 
To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower,
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour.

The experience of infinity (or oneness with all)  is not simply to see the redness of a rose or to marvel at a spectacular sunset, but to experience an expansiveness in our consciousness: the feeling like we are “bigger” than we thought we were. The result is that we see things that were seemingly impossible…as possible, and that our participation in the extraordinary events of life ARE possible. We also begin to see the whole world as our responsibility, not as a pressure to us, but as a challenge to affect the problems of our world by taking ownership of them. We also see that having compassion for the person in front of us is having compassion for ourselves. That is when we look back to when we learned to really love ourselves unconditionally, and we then realize that with the same love by which we love ourselves, we LOVE the world.
In the last chapter we learned that by loving ourselves we discover our authentic self.  The authentic self is the self that is free from the expectations and control of others, family, cultural conditioning, and institutional expectations.  It is when we finally can say, “it is OK to be me!”. It is your core where you find all those things that make you unique, and find that they are very good  It is all of the things that are uniquely yours and find ways to expression, rather than what you were expected  to be and do. 

In the 11 steps, this is the step where Jesus is in the Temple teaching the priests, and his Mother comes back angry and looking for him. Jesus rejects her expectations and her attempts to control him when he said, “Did you not know I would be about my Father’s business?”  This is His statement that it is “OK to be me”, and as with the rest of the 11 steps, Jesus patterns for us the necessity of finding freedom from our cultural and family programming so we can be who we are.  This is the discovery of the authentic self.  Because it is found at the very core of oneself, and because we believe that we are all connected and that God lies within, then the experience of the authentic self and God realization are one in the same.

The reason it is helpful to call this experience “God Realization” is because in the West we are raised and taught to believe in the God “out there” who can save us from Hell, and give us blessings, and answer our prayers, and help us to endure life.  This false perspective dulls our consciousness and keeps us immersed in the illusion of duality. By calling the experience God realization we are saying, that we look to no one outside of ourselves for the power to live an authentic life and to meet the challenges of life with compassion and peace and joy.  This is the experience!

Next: A story about this realization!

Monday, November 4, 2013

Loving Yourself Unconditionally- The End!

Part 12-  The End!!!
What have we learned during these 11 previous parts?
That if course, is up to you.
For my part….as I revisited my feelings and experiences in loving myself, I come away with a profound gratitude.  For life as it is.  For me as I am.  For YOU just the way you are.
Several weeks ago I was talking with a friend, and we had a long discussion on politics and religion.  LOOK OUT!!   Well after a while she just said, “you know, I feel attacked by some of your comments, and I feel like you are badgering me.”
I paused and thought and I said, “you know, you may be right.  That was not my intention but please forgive  my  aggressiveness.”
My friend was quiet and wanted to end our conversation, so I let her have the space she needed and did other things.  I did not feel the necessity to “fix” her or get her out of her funk, no, I just let her have her space, without judgment.
The next day when all was well (I guess?), I thought….. I HAVE changed! There was a time in my life when  I would have tried to make things all better, and help her to laugh, or at least attempt that. I felt a real gratefulness that  I no longer have to control things around me...... to be like I wish them to be.  It is what it is.  The Buddhists call this equanimity. It is a peaceful place to be. I can take the deep breath of gratitude.
And this leads us to God Realization.  What is it and how do I realize it and what will be the benefits....if I do?
This multi-part series will begin this week.  Much love to all.
Virginia Stephenson

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Part 11- loving oneself unconditionally

Part 11- wholeness or Oneness is realized

“On this sacred path of Radical Acceptance, rather than striving for perfection, we discover how to love ourselves into wholeness.”
Tara Brach, Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a Buddha


If you love yourself, all your fragments have been made whole. You are not the child, or the judge, or the even the lover....you are whole and complete, for your love for yourself has set you free.
You may be aware of your parts, but your intention to love yourself always helps you to see your wholeness.  Upon realizing this, personal problems, crises, sorrows…..become situations in your life, not catastrophic calamities.
In the past,   when we have these crises or problems, we assign charges to them without realizing we are doing it.  We assign levels of suffering that we endure, and we “freak out” the way we have done all of our lives.  This is the world of duality, where we cannot control ourselves and everything is a drama and crisis.  After we realize our wholeness, we may still
experience the initial panic of a disaster or a personal hurt, BUT we learn to realize it immediately and love ourselves through the situation.  We can train ourselves to look at the problem like a rock in the road.  Encountering this rock, we do not let our emotions get out of hand, we simply go over the rock, or move the rock, or go around the rock.  We do not assign blame to the rock, or get mad at the universe or God for putting it there.  It is simply there, so we deal with it the best way we can for ourselves and for others.
Approaching life in this way reduces your suffering, and most importantly, allows you to have a state of mind and spirit to bless and love others and the world.  It helps you to be PRESENT with those around you and with those that you meet.  Buck and I call this: The God Position.  This designation does not elevate us over others, on the contrary, it makes us the servant of all. 

Within the depths of authenticity lives integrity; waiting for our return. When we arrive, we are met with effortless joy, abundant living, peace and wholeness--nothing lacking, nothing broken. This is soul equanimity, the state of pure alignment with will of Source and will of self.”
LaShaun Middlebrooks Collier

Next:  God realization....or the discovery of the meaning of the authentic self!

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Buck talks about our new book: Friday at 1:00PM MST

,The radioprogram: www.spotliteradio.com will be interviewing Buck Rholdes tomorrow at 1 pm. (an 8 minutes interview).  He will talk mostly about our new book: 11 Steps to God Realization or The Hidden Secrets of the Ancient Mystery Schools.

The book looks at 11 events in the life of Jesus from the perspective of Oneness and mysticism. Using the pattern of the 11 steps, every person can realize our own true self and oneness with the divine.

I will continue my posts on "Loving oneself" later this month.

Thank you all for reading the blog.  Please feel free to post comments.  

Virginia

Thursday, August 29, 2013

Part 10- achieving non-judgment (2nd benefit of loving ourselves unconditionally)

 
Part 10- achieving non-judgment (2nd benefit of loving ourselves unconditionally)
When we love ourselves, we find that the judgment of ourselves ceases, and consequently our judgments of others cease.

If we learn to open our hearts, anyone, including the people who drive us crazy, can be our teacher.” ~Pema Chodron
.
For instance, if someone makes a remark or a behavior and you find it repulsive, often it is something you may also judge in yourself.
Here are 3 examples of judgments:

1. I wouldn’t tolerate the same behavior or characteristic in myself. 

I am at a party and I see a very outspoken and interactive person moving throughout the crowd. I say to myself, “What a show-off, such a loud and obnoxious person!” This is because I would be embarrassed to act that way, and I resent and judge someone else doing it. If I really get in touch with my feelings, I might also realize that I may not fully express myself sometimes and I feel resentful when I see someone else doing it. If I can see the truth of this for myself then perhaps I can express myself more completely and that this would result in freer self-expression and freedom from the necessity to judge others in this way. Loving myself will help me not to fear the self-exploration, but to use this as a gift to myself.

2. I display the same behavior that I hate in others. I am “projecting” my dislike for that trait in me onto others.

I am talking with a friend who is telling me how she dislikes one of her friend's behaviors, and I think to myself, “She does the same thing she is criticizing about her friend.” It is always good to look within and see if we share some of the dislikes we have for others. Freedom comes when we love ourselves even with our projections. Eventually we can do self-exploration without feeling threatened or scared by our vulnerability to ourselves, but experience a loving exploration within ourselves. It will result in having self-love, and greater compassion and acceptance for others.

3. I am envious and resent the feelings that come up so I find something wrong with those who have what I want and end up judging them.

I notice that I am feeling resentful and jealous of my boss's success and prosperity. I think that I am glad I am not like him because he is such a snob.
If I get in touch with my feelings, I may consider that my boss's success feels threatening to me because of my lack of success. If I find something “wrong” with him, then I may avoid my own feelings of inadequacy.
Freedom comes when I become inspired by the success of others, and love myself with my feelings of inadequacy. In this way I have a free and open pathway to create my own success.

Most judgments of others are ego strategies to avoid facing our inner feelings. But, if we lack the awareness of what causes them, they can result in even more suffering down the line.
I am not saying that I cannot have likes and dislikes and preferences. And I can still find that certain types of behavior in others is unappealing. But when I look within, the ego tricks that we play with ourselves will begin to be exposed, and this is the process toward the authentic self.
After we practice loving ourselves, we no longer have the need to judge, because we find that facing our feelings in love is not something to be resisted, but something to be embraced. It is through this process that we become authentic. When we face the question why do I exhibit this behavior, or why do I have these unpleasant thoughts, or why do I constantly judge others, then we are on the journey to authenticity. And the way to arrive at our destination is to love ourselves unconditionally.
The old way is to hate those things or feelings that we would like to change. The new way is to love ourselves WITH those inner feelings. The love that we have for ourselves will initiate a transformation inside of us. Love never fails.
Rather than unconsciously participating in ego gratification by judging others, I let my reactions and judgments help me achieve greater self-understanding—and accordingly, greater happiness and success.
When I use my judgment of others as a mirror to show me the workings of my own ego, then every person’s reflection can become a valuable gift, making each person I encounter a teacher and a blessing. This is true freedom, when we release all comparisons to others from our thoughts, and allow our understanding to create compassion for ourselves and others.
Achieving non-judgment helps us to avoid the suffering we experience in the mind. Because we see a flat tire as bad, we may curse, and fear spending money, and regret the loss of time, etc. If we accepted the flat tire as a neutral event, we wouldn't suffer. The fact of the matter is that whether we see it as bad or as neutral, it doesn't change the outcome or what we have to do. We still need to change the tire. So it is what it is.
The hidden truth of this is that we don't realize, as we judge, that we are taking on a burden; the burden of diminishing the value of others as well as ourselves. When we practice non-judgment, we unburden ourselves from needless, self-created suffering.
Taking judgments from our minds results in eliminating a good portion of our thought life. What can we do with that? We can love, create, plan compassionate deeds, and generally have fun with ourselves. All in the experience of loving ourselves just as we are.

When I truly love myself, I will not judge myself, I will observe myself without assigning value (good and bad) to my actions. When I do this, I will be able to do the same for others. I will become an observer of my world, not a judge. Hooray!

Your task is not to seek for Love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” ~Rumi

Next: the 3rd benefit from Loving oneself: Wholeness or oneness with myself is experienced.

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Part 9- The benefits of loving oneself unconditionally

 
Part 9: the benefits of loving oneself

There are many benefits, but I will discuss 4 that I have seen in my own life:

  1. Forgiveness is realized
  2. non-judgment is achieved.
  3. Wholeness or Oneness with ourselves is experienced.
  4. We realize that we are worthy of divinity.


Judge nothing, you will be happy. Forgive everything, you will be happier. Love everything, you will be happiest.”  ~Sri Chinmoy

Forgiveness

Loving oneself solves the problem of unforgiveness in our lives. When we were dependent on our ego to need the approval of others, we took great offense when others would criticize us or treat us with less attention than we thought we deserved. Once I love myself, those offensives begin to recede, because there is no longer any offense taken by us. We are secure in the love we have for ourselves. It is now more that we observe a friend trying to egg us into a drama scene or observing a comment that before would have upset us. We observe it but we DO NOT TAKE THE BAIT. Gratefulness becomes our stabilizing feeling, rather than the emotion of getting our feelings hurt.
In this way we are observers of the events of our lives and not reactors to the charged emotions that enter our minds.

Of course, if we sense aggression or other emotions from the person involved we should ask them to talk about it, but not so much for our sake alone, but for the valuableness of our relationship with that person, and the importance of understanding each other. Also, unforgiveness works both ways. When we sense that someone is offended by something we have done, in the past we might have been embarrased, and not wanted to be around that person again. When we are secure in who we are, we can go to the person and dialogue with them about what happened. Sometimes we can either explain ourselves without defensiveness, or we can apologize if we have hurt them, even though that was not (hopefully) our intention.

When we find ourselves “tagging” a person as someone who has hurt us, in other words every time we see that person or think of that person we return to our hurt and feel anger or unforgiveness toward that person, then it is important that we find “clearing” or forgiveness for that person. The problem is when we feel tragically wronged by another, we do not want to do this. We feel justified in our unforgiveness. This becomes a “barrier” to loving ourself and others.

A classic example of this is abuse we suffered in childhood. The degree of love we have for ourselves, is linked to the feelings we harbor in our hearts to those who have wronged us. Healing does not mean we necessarily have to re-engage a friendship with that person, but it does mean we have released them from any resentment or bitterness we might have. This results in freedom for us, and them. It enables us to love every part of ourselves.

The teaching from the Oneness University on the second chakra, is:

The world is our mirror. The things we see on the outside are reflections of our inner state of consciousness.

When we have unforgiveness for others, we harbor unforgiveness toward ourselves. To love ourselves unconditionally, we need to achieve forgiveness for all and everything.

Next part: achieving non-judgment

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Part 8- Loving Oneself Unconditionally

If you are new to this blog, please start from the beginning on this teaching. Scroll down to the June 28th entry and start from Part One! Enjoy

Part 8
This is my story of how I used a very simple process to love myself into wholeness.

Several years ago I faced my wounded inner child.
Like many folks, I have done a lot of work (therapy) with my inner child, my wounded child, the part of myself that experienced hurts and wounds as a child and who, of course, acted out from time to time, producing behaviors in the adult me. Usually we discover that these negative or fearful behaviors are very hard to change, because the root, or source of the behaviors lies in an experience that we had when we were little. For example, an adult who often feels abandoned or alone, might have experienced being deserted by a parent or a friend when they were young. Freedom comes as we allow our inner child to be healed, to experience again the charged past situation and see that our divine will heal that old memory and remove the source of our charged adult behavior. For me, I had experienced much healing for my child, and I felt it was time that my inner wounded child became my sacred child. It was time for us to be made whole.
So I took for a model (very loosely) the Lord's prayer. And instead of praying it to a God “out there”, I prayed and sang and said it as a mighty anthem or hymn to my sacred child within. I was stating my love for myself, my unconditional and child-like love for myself as I created the words to say to my sacred child. This is what I wrote:

 My prayer to my sacred child.

O sacred child who lies within,
Blessed be your Holy name. (singing)
I give you ascendancy in my life today,
and I leave ego far behind.
I open myself to receive provisions, necessities, blessings and wisdom
from you and the Universe.
I intend to harm no one today,
and if one harms me,
they are my teacher, and I love them.
O sacred child who lies within,
blessed be your holy name (singing)
May all grace and love flow to you today.
May all grace and love flow to ALL today thru me.

 Transformation
I said and sang these verses to my child every day for months, and I still say this prayer to myself frequently. At some point, after I had said these words for many months, I realized that my inner child was indeed, my sacred child and that we were whole, we were one. The verses represent the intention and completion of the unconditional love for myself. In my life, I have always thought that there was something “wrong” with me. I did not look right, or I did not feel like others, or I was “different” than others. Some of these feelings brought me in touch with my transgender nature. The work with my sacred child raised and transformed these thoughts and feelings to a grateful and wonderful appreciation of the grace of God and the Universe.......and yes, the grace of myself, just as I am!

I realized that loving myself unconditionally means that I love and accept myself with all of my hurts, and fears, and even.....weird behaviors! For many years I did not love myself because I was waiting to be perfect! This is a dualistic trap which insures self-misery. My poem to my inner child was the crowning piece I needed to love myself unconditionally and to completely move out of the space of looking at myself as somehow “incomplete”. The union of the Divine and our selves means that our sense of “lack” or our sense of “need” becomes transformed into the last line of my poem. (Let all peace and love flow to all today through me.) The love I have for myself is the same love by which I love others......unconditionally. Once I found the exquisite taste of loving myself, I saw how to continue to extend this lovingkindness to others!
At least for me, loving others unconditionally was not possible until I loved myself that way.

Over the past several parts, I have explained 3 processes by which to love ourselves.
  1. Be aware of our feelings, and CATCH ourselves when we are critical, and practice giving ourselves a break.......and love!
  2. Practicing a meditation, like mine with the “judge” or others, which allow your right brain to open new pathways in your brain, so loving yourself becomes natural.
  3. Singing, talking, or chanting to those subborn aspects of ourselves that need our assistance in loving and supporting ourselves.

I will share another way to love ourselves later, but next I will start explaining the benefits of learning to love ourselves.

Thank you all for reading this and please leave comments or questions. Be very blessed today.

Saturday, August 3, 2013

Part 7- Loving Oneself Unconditionally


PART 7
Some more thoughts on the last exercise:
So the really neat thing is when we realize the love for our Judge, and consequently all the parts of ourself, the next time we see the judge pop out of a friend (judging either us or someone else), instead of being repulsed, or angry, or disappointed, or start to judge our friend, we SEE our friend with the same love and eyes by which we saw the judge within us, and we recognize that we have the choice to have compassion for our friend, and to have love for our friend.  The “love” we have for our friend, is the SAME LOVE we had for ourselves when we were able to love our judge.  In this way it becomes NATURAL…it is a part of us, based on our experience.  This is what it means to have an active mystical experience. We have an experience that is real within us, and when we see certain circumstances in the world, we can release our compassion according to our experience. In this way we do not “preach” at others, nor judge them, we only tell them or show them of our experience, if graced to do so.
When we can love or have compassion as the result of the experience that we had, our actions of lovingkindness become ….natural.
This is opposed to doing good works because we think we SHOULD do them in order to be a good person, or doing good works to get God's favor, or doing good works to get to Heaven. All of these motivations for doing good are found outside of our consciousness. We are doing good in order to get something for ourselves. This type of action is bound to cause us unhappiness and suffering, while the actions that flow out of our nature from loving ourselves, are the reward in themselves. We are just doing what we were created to do. This results in fully experiencing all of our lives, and being very aware of our lives, and this results in a great and abiding joy.

Meister Eckhart (1260-1327), a German theologian and mystic said, “The eyes with which I see God are the same eyes by which God sees me. They are the same.” This is a sweeping quote which declares that the mystical experience of God happens inside of ourselves. As we learn to love ourselves this leads to the natural discovery that this is a pathway to the realization of the divine within. Restating this quote for loving oneself, it becomes, “The love by which I love myself, is the same love by which I love others.” I love myself and do not judge myself, and therefore I do not judge others. I love myself and do not call myself names when I make a mistake, and therefore I do the same for others. I love myself and treat myself with respect, and I do the same for others. In this way, the authenticity of our love brightens and blesses the whole world.

Next: A personal example of loving myself from my own life.

Monday, July 29, 2013

Part 6- loving Oneself Unconditionally

PART 6
In the last part I introduced the first technique or practice to change the way we treat ourselves. In this part I introduce the second practice, which is a right brain meditation.

Self-love comes by creating new pathways between the brain and the heart, which reflect your heart love and not your mind chatter. Let me give you a pathway to experience which will exemplify the transformation of the parts of ourselves into love. Sit in a quiet place and breath deeply until you are centered and feel relaxed. Take a fragmented part of yourself, like your wounded child, or your inner child, or your judge, or your questioner. As I say this many of you know exactly which fragment of yourself to consider. Take this shard, let us say it is your judge, and feel into the Judge, feel the judge's emotions as he pronounces you guilty of some mis-statement, or wrong word, or mistake that you have made. We are very harsh judges of ourselves. Feel and hear the judge's words as he/she criticizes you for some act of yours. As you feel this with your soul, let your soul go, decide not to sit there listening to the judge, but let your soul know that there is an oversoul, which loves you, and does not judge you. With your intention, now connect with that oversoul, and feel the love and acceptance of the oversoul or of your Divine.. Feel it, do not think about it, feel it with your heart. .............................. When you have joined that love and know that that love is the most real thing in existence, now return to the judge. And now love your judge with the love of the oversoul, or of the Divine. Yes, I know that the old way is to hate the judge and want to get rid of it but do not go to that left brained place, just be in love and love your judge and draw the judge to yourself and comfort and love him/her. Realize that the judge is YOU. Love YOU. Be there now with the judge and let the judge know that you do not fear him/her, nor do you listen, all you do is love your judge. Feel that love. Let it be there. As you do this see the judge transformed into your wholeness. See the judge as yourself, not as a separate part of you. Draw the judge within with your love, so that as the judge becomes you, the judge becomes the same love that you felt from the oversoul. Draw him/her in until all that is left is love.

It is through this pathway, as you do it in your own way, the way you have known for eons of time and forgotten, as you do this you will have wholeness with self, and the parts of yourself that have prevented you from loving yourself will be transformed into love. Yes, it becomes clear that the reason we do not love ourselves is because of the illusion of separation and the lie of the ego's supremacy. As we realize that OUR love is the key to ourselves, we know that we have all that we need, for wholeness and Oneness.

Use the above meditation as an example or suggestion to work with to integrate the parts of yourself. You can change my example or even create one especially for you. There is an old but true saying, “My heart, my heart, it knows what it wants!”
 
 Next Part- How the love within yourself will bless others.


Tuesday, July 16, 2013

PART 5- Loving Oneself Unconditionally

Part 5

Our minds, or our egos, will continually tell us that self love is a fantasy to our well-being, or that the construction of a positive self image is not possible. Our heart space, on the other hand, will always try to compel us to treat ourselves as we would treat our lover, or best friend. It is with our thoughts that our inner conversation either affirms us or tears us down. For example, all of us have experienced regret in something we have said which caused hurt to another person, or that embarrassed us, or that caused a bad reaction in the other person. Our egoic mind is very quick to judge us and criticize us for the mistake. We have all felt the sting of thinking “I have ruined my relationship with her by what I said,” or....”I know that my words hurt him, and I am sure he will tell others how stupid and cruel that I am”. This causes us to worry, to be in fear, or to be miserable until the problem is resolved. Often times we even make the problem worse by taking some action to try to get ourselves off the hook. We are suffering because we did not love ourselves into a solution to the problem.

The beginning of learning to love ourselves is to be AWARE of our inner feelings toward ourselves and Love ourselves with those feelings. In the example above, when we realize we are suffering because of our worry over what we said, we allow ourselves to break the cycle of suffering by accepting and loving ourselves with all of those feelings.

Instead of sliding down the slope to self anger, panic, fear of losing the friend, and wishing that you had a time machine,
STOP right where you are and think about what you wished you had said instead......
Now imagine just stopping, taking a breath, and experiencing the discomfort of these thoughts, but without any desire to mentally punish yourself. Feel the distress and the fear, OK, but leave off the thoughts that YOU are bad, and awful, etc. Now consider that it was not in your heart to intentionally hurt your friend. You made a mistake. If those who you love and love you make a mistake, will you stop loving them? No, you may talk to them or take some action but your love will continue.
Why not give yourself the same break you give those you love?

(Your desire to punish yourself by self-judgment, is born of longstanding habits of believing that if you judge yourself harshly it will change you for the better. In reality the opposite is true. As you love yourself with your imperfections and mistakes it releases your values for respect, kindness, consideration, compassion , and trust. As you recognize these values in yourself, you start to see them in others. As these values pervade your consciousness, you will begin to make life decisions based upon those values, and not by other charged emotions like fear, anger, and dissatisfaction.)

So instead of spending days worrying about what you said, get a plan. Your plan might include an apology. It might include doing something nice for your friend to get close again. When you get your plan set a timetable for it and implement it.
After it is over sit down by yourself and praise and love yourself for doing this in love for yourself, for your friend, and for the world.

Next:  A right brain meditation to wholeness